Our Story (part one)

Today (June 17) is a really, really special day.  It marks the anniversary of what started the wonderful, hilarious, crazy love story that brought my husband and dearest friend to me.  Our story wasn't planned, wasn't expected, wasn't perfect...but I really love it the way it is.  It fits us perfectly, and it's a testimony of the grace of the living God, and how He knows us better than we know ourselves.

But I have to give you a little Jen history first, 1) because history is important in every story and 2) since our Creator is such a good Author in everything He does, there are details that make the rest of the story so much better. :)

Every girl has a plan...
I think nearly every single girl who looks forward to falling in love usually has a mental picture of how they would like it to happen, right?  Maybe they pre-plan or picture little details like: he has to ask her Dad's permission to pursue/marry her. He has to have a job and a plan!  He has to be tall, he has to be older than her, he has to love Christ, and so on.

Like most, I had a plan with expectations. 
I had read the courtship books, set my standards high, knew my "list" of deal-makers and deal-breakers;
I had the purity ring, I had the godly Dad with a .22...
I mean, didn't that make me Swiss-Army-Super-Fetching-wife potential? 
I thought all that was CODE for the perfect, instant, courtship, engagement and marriage package.

On top of all that, I truly desired to fill my season of singleness with my God--knowing Him, loving Him, serving Him, and ministry/mission work wherever I could.  In the back of my mind, I figured "the one" would come when I was in my spiritual prime--when my relationship with God and my life were "full".

God always has a better one.
Singleness is such a bittersweet season.  Sweet because during that time, I fell deeply in love with my Abba; it tested my love and trust in Him in amazing ways.  There's truly a richness to a season, or a lifetime, of singleness wholly devoted to Christ.  Of course any life wholly devoted to Christ is beyond rich, but singleness just has a different richness. :)

It's crossed my mind to write a book about "what the courtship books didn't tell me."  Because nothing ever happened like I had once hoped or expected...

My first courtship was very near engagement, but it ended in heartbreak and bitter feelings.  It was a scenario that "should have been" perfect.  The guy grew up in a family like mine, with similar upbringings and similar dreams.  Soon though, something simply "wasn't right" and I began to realize that the situation wasn't as perfect as I had thought.  My Jane Austen expectations were dashed.

2 years later, my second courtship was with Craig.  It lasted a month, and we both agreed that it was the best relationship both had ever been in; full of mutual respect and Christ-centered intentions.  But hopes were deferred again when we realized we had differing theologies.  We ended it on good terms, but soon lost contact.

A few months following, my third relationship attempt had so many reasons why it needed to end; we weren't on the same page about many things, standards being one of them.  But differing theology was what made the final decision.  That relationship ended bitterly, 5 months before Craig came back into the picture.

By now, I felt spiritually numb--in NO way ready for a godly relationship, according to my own standards.  My spiritual unhealthiness was partly due to the last relationship, and a general idleness and idolotry I'd brought upon myself.
I distinctly remember being curled up in a ball on my closet floor sobbing, more heartbroken about my heart being invested in vain yet again, and worn out from relationship attempts altogether.  I never dated casually--all of it was full-heart-investments with prayer and careful consideration.  So each one seemed to completely crush any hopes.  I pleaded with God to either let the next man be my husband, or close all opportunities/desires completely.

Little did I know that in a few short months I would be engaged to a wonderful, godly man, and married to him in less than a year.  I'm so very thankful that my Abba Father has higher ways, and higher thoughts, than I...
(to be continued)

The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

a call for prayer...

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep...." Romans 12:15

My heart goes out to our Flower Mama and her family.  Please, pray.  No matter where we are geographically, our Savior is the head of our Body, the church.  We're the body that rejoices when it's time to rejoice.  And cries, when it's time to cry.  Like King Jehoshophat, we cry out to our ever-present help: "For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."  (2 Chronicles 20:12)

Abba, we know there's a testimony of glory coming.

The Thorn

I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne
And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own.
I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart
I cried, “But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.
This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me.”
He said, “My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee.”
I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,
As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.
I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,
He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.

by Martha Snell Nicholson

Wounded...

A whole month after Passion 2010, here I am clacking to tell you all the good things that happened that week.  Before I can give you the full story of what God revealed to me, I have to give you a little 2009 history...cause it just makes the story better. :)

For me, 2009 was the year of spiritual wounding.
Ever had a season like that?
In my life, I've never experienced so many different Christian doctrines and diversity in such a short amount of time as I did last year.  The things that believers of Christ argue over, stand upon, preach, judge others for, or claim as Scriptural truth etc, are enough to either make you rejoice, make you sick to your stomach, make you weep, or make your blood boil.  Last year was ALOT of all of that for me.  Either I couldn't embrace one's doctrine, or I couldn't embrace their way of presenting it (even if it was sound).  I believe that a person can be wrong with the way they are right? (even me).

Because of this attack on truth for me, my heart was broken and I began to grow petrified to read the Word.  What if MY interpretation was wrong?  How could I even assume I understand the things of God?  I was now skeptical of what I was taught, of any preacher, any speaker, any song, any article, etc. 
Even ones that I once gleaned truth from, I was afraid to listen to anymore.  Walking into a Christian bookstore was out of the question for me!  There's so many teachers, authors, speakers, music--all claiming the truth of God, but all saying (some enforcing) something different.  I never felt swayed by any of them, but I was deeply wounded by it all. 
All I held on to was WHO I knew my God was/is...not what people told me, but who He had proven Himself to be already.  I just knew that He is truth, and if I could ever only utter that explanation for anything, I would be okay.

Because of this, I was also afraid of Passion.  I went into it fearful of the speakers, and of the heart of the conference.  I wondered if it would be commercialized, showy, fake, and full of even more wounding diversity and doctrine.  I went into it praying for truth; to see God, even if my heart was hardened.  I very nearly backed out and didn't go.  But I am very thankful that I didn't. :)

To be continued...

"I want you to know, brothers, that the gospel I preached is not something that man made up.  I did not receive it from any man, nor was I taught it; rather I received it by revelation from Jesus Christ..."

--Paul (Galatians 1:11-12)

On Captivity...and Hope

A few things really blessed me today, my friend...

I sat down to blog, but nothing was coming. I had thoughts about flipping the calendar yet again, and Thanksgiving afterthoughts--but writer's block was keeping them secure, wherever they were. So...I closed out Blogger yet again, letting another day go without posting. ;)

But then I actually flipped my calendar.
My calendar is from The Challenge Farm, a mission/refuge-home in Kenya, Africa. They offer a Christian home, education, food and care to children as an alternative to living on the streets. Each month has pictures of the children, the staff alongside them, and Swahili words/phrases.
It tugs at your heart, let me tell you.
Lord willing, I may join a small team to minister at Challenge in the summer of 2010. I am extremely humbled at even the thought! I will keep you posted on this. ;)

THEN...I logged into Twitter, and learned that December 1st is World Aids Day. So I Googled it. There are HIV/AIDS statistics all over the web today, and all of them are heartbreaking. Here are just a couple of my findings...
--Africa has (estimated) 14 million children orphaned by HIV/AIDS.
--A regional estimate for 2008 said that world-wide there was 33.4 million adults & children living with HIV/AIDS...22.4 million were in sub-saharan Africa.

Pastor's message on Sunday was about hope. He shared that alot times we put pressure on hope, and not Whom we hope in. He used a clip from the movie The Tale of Despereaux, and this quote stuck with me...

"The story said [the princess] was a prisoner. But that wasn't totally true because she had hope, and whenever you have hope, you're never really anybody's prisoner."

There are so many kinds of captivity. The Israelites, Apostles and early Christians knew what it was like to be literally taken captive. The people Jesus had healed tasted the captivity of blindness, lameness, disease, sickness, death etc. People taste captivity of circumstances. Captivity of perspective (seeing things a certain way). Captivity of SIN.

Though time has changed significantly, humankind still suffers these things. They are all a kind of death, which is the wage of sin. In every circumstance, there are very human reasons to despair.

Why don't we despair? Why do we hope?

Because when Christ is in you, and when He is your hope (Col 1:27), you are no one's prisoner. Do you hear that? Do you grasp it? It doesn't mean our circumstances change...the princess was still "captive". But she wasn't a captive. Her life, hope, heart, future, weren't based on her captivity any longer. They were based on something greater than the bars and chains.

Is your life, your hope, your heart, your future...are they based on Christ alone?

Not what He can do for you. Are they in HIM and what He's already done?

I remember my chains...I'm fully aware of all of them.

Yet I insist on remembering something else, and because of it I'm filled with hope:

Because of the great love of my Savior,

I am not captivated.

His compassion never fails, and His mercy is new every morning; great is His faithfulness.

I remind myself that my life, my hope, my heart and my future is based on the Risen Christ, and I will wait and hope in Him.

~Lamenations 3:19-24 (in my own words)

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

~Romans 8:1

I've been Sugar Doll-ed!

Sweet Mrs. Chloe at trying to throw my arms around the world... gave me my first ever blogger award...isn't she sweet?? I'm so excited! I never thought I would be given one of these because I don't have a great blog following, I don't post very often, and I don't blog-hop as much as I would like. It's neat how on the world (didja catch that, the WHOLE WIDE WORLD) wide web, you can meet kindred spirits. You would love Chloe's posts--her sense of humor and perspective on her daily-to-do's brighten my day...stop by and see her sometime.

What I am to do is post 10 things about myself, and award my favorite bloggers. :) I'm having a hard time thinking of things to write, so it may be COMPLETELY random, but real...which I believe is the nature of it anywho. :) Here it goes:

1) Something I enjoy: Anne of Green Gables. I read some of the books growing up (I would love to finish that series sometime), and watched the movies in my early teen years. Those movies still make me laugh and cry! They are squeaky-clean too, which is rare these days. I recently watched them again, and I've found that I'm alot like Anne in the way I perceive and respond to things. Don't know if that's good or bad...especially in the love-life department, ahem.

2) Something that changed my life: Central Mexico. When I was young, I begged God to never make me a missionary (thanks to persecution/martyrdom stories). As I've gotten older, I've been drawn to it. I was able to go to Mexico for my first mission trip last year and it changed me in this way...we are called to one mission field: wherever our feet are. Whether it is here in my hometown/workplace/school, or on foreign soil, my heart for mission work should be based on my heart-in-love with Jesus Christ and sharing Him. :) God opens doors and nudges us here and there, but I don't think the "heart" of it should change with geography. :)

3) Something I find funny: my 5 year old sister Jaelyn (see pic from previous post). I wish you could meet her! She is positively hilarious. She is a drama queen and her sarcasm capacity grows by the day. I could write a book on the many funny things she says!

4) Something I want: I would really like to be married and have little ones one day. I would like to make a home, and have my own kitchen. I would even want the fires and tears that come with all this.

5) Something I confess: I sometimes struggle with #4. Thanks to my gracious, gracious, gracious God, I've never fallen into "the depths of despair" (aforementioned Anne quote). And because of that grace, I may tend to have a "mask" that says I don't struggle in this department. But my friend, I do indeed. I've had my heart broken. And my hopes deferred. Then again. And yet again. I am so happy at home, and content with where the Lord has me. But I confess, while I try my hardest to be strong and remember my God is in control, once in awhile, there comes a day to cry about this. :) Maybe I'm just a woman that way. His grace is sufficient for me (and for you).

6) Something that rocks my socks: the students in our youth group. I never would have thought I would be able to work with teenagers and keep my sanity and most of my hair. But they make me laugh. They are patient with my insufficiencies. They help me remember the important things--about God and life--and teach me more than I could ever teach them. I wish you could meet Levi, or talk to AJ and Jessi. I wish you could play Star Wars Trivial Pursuit with Alex. I wish you could be prayed for by Tekoa. I wish your day could be brightened by Missy, or be encouraged by Emily.
There's many MORE of them, and they all would rock your socks too. :)

7) Something that confuses people: I am a living paradox, let me tell you.
--I thrive on organization; it comes with being the eldest child, and a woman. My desk and it's contents are an absolute mess at the moment.
--I think things through. I am incredibly spontaneous.
--I would love to fellowship (or "church") in homes/spontaneously, rather than in church buildings. Yet the Lord has led me to fellowship/serve at a church in my hometown.
--I would love to be married. I have considered celebacy too.
--I share my opinions. I strongly dislike, and avoid, controversy.
--I'm on top of things. I tend to do things last minute.
Stuff like that, ya know?

8) Something that makes me so happy: early mornings, just before the sun rises. Everywhere, there are people awake and buzzing. Animals have been out and about long before you. But that stillness...indescribable. The air, the soundlessness, the sunrise...it's quietly liberating. :)

9) Something that I currently find positively amazing: a combination of the Holy Spirit and the book of Romans. The world can have this world. Please, just give me Christ. Check them out, you will love them both.

10) Something I'm thankful for: for you, dear friend. :) I can't believe you made it through this ramble of rambleness. Wellgeethanks for bearing with me.

I award:

Jen at Ranch Girl Diaries

Ash at once upon a dreamer...

Angie at From Center to Circumference

M at Musings of a Ranch Wife

I would award Chloe

or

LeAnna at Thoughts n Whatnots

but they have been awarded. :)